I wound up with some malicious script on my blog. I tried reading a few posts explaining how to fix it, but they were all tl;dr and my eyes kept skipping to the “delete everything and start over” part.
So.
Speaking of starting over… I suppose now is as good a time as any to announce: I’m goin’ through the big D, and don’t mean Dallas!
Yep. Shit happens. I’m not gonna get into all the reasons why; we’re both at fault, though I was the one to pull the plug. We’re both very stubborn, though I think he’s slightly more so. Thus, I’m pretty sure he would have one-more-chanced it until one of us died of old age.
I guess there’s something to that, but I think we both deserve to live happy, peaceful, loving lives in the meantime. We weren’t very good to each other. Okay, to be honest? We were total assholes to each other. Everyone knew it. I don’t think we ever learned how to communicate with each other with respect, and we, for whatever reason, couldn’t acknowledge it well enough to fix it. Nasty cycles.
The good times were great. The bad times… became too bad, I guess is all there is to it. I spent a long time trying to convince myself life’s just like that, and any relationship is going to be like that, and so on… Turns out life doesn’t have to be like that, and neither do relationships. Huh. Who knew?
The Girl Child seems to be taking it all in stride. She’s a remarkably well-adjusted child. She was old enough to begin to notice and be affected by the conflict (one of my reasons for calling it quits) but, thus far, has been very flexible and easily-adjusted to the new living arrangements.
I can go back to my journal from 2004/2005 and find entries detailing the exact same kind of problems we had in 2011, stuff that I kept thinking would magically change or get better or go away. Looking at that stuff in hindsight was a wake-up call. Funny how clear and obvious a pattern of behavior can become when you’re looking back upon the history of it. We got together young/immature, and a lot of the things people say about young relationships are true. We both also thought the rules of the universe did not apply to us, and–surprise!–turns out they do.
I guess I’ve officially hit the age where all I know is I don’t know jack shit. 
In positive news, 2012 will be hard-pressed to suck as bad as 2011. I have great things going on. I started working full-time in January for a company that does DNA sequencing. I absolutely love my job. I work with an awesome, fun bunch of people and get to be part of exciting things. The pay is good, the benefits are great, and… Yeah. I’ll have to tell the story of how I got the job, sometime. It was fortuitous, to say the least.
The Girl Child started preschool when I started working, and she’s doing really well. I’m very, very happy with her school, and it’s been good for her to spend more time around… Humans Other Than Mom.
And since I’m sure one of y’all smartasses is gonna ask: Yes, I am dating someone. And he’s friggin’ awesome. We’ve been friends for some time. Turns out people can be nice to each other in a relationship. And they can communicate about things.
I’m happier and more relaxed now, too. I’m not just saying that… Everyone has noticed. People who used to affectionately refer to me as “the bitchy sister” now say things like “You’re all… nice… and shit… it’s so weird…”
So! Go me.
Go you!
It sounds like you are going through the same crap I am. Minus the kid, and the dating. And I’m still a bitch or a bastard or whatever the male equivalent of a bitch is.
I keep joking: Hey, I’m part of the 50%!
The kid definitely complicates things. Don’t get me wrong: I’m glad everything went the way it did, because I’m glad she’s here. That said, I’m sorry she’s inevitably in the middle of all of it, and it does throw a monkey wrench in the notions of post-relationship “freedom.” We certainly didn’t make a mistake in choosing each other as suitable parents, since we’re both very committed to being present and involved; but, that also means we’re kinda stuck in the same AO so long as we both want to be hands-on year-round.
I knew I didn’t WANT to be a bitch, I was just kinda pigeonholed into it between everyone having decided that’s just how I was, and living in a constant state of stress/frustration. When that stuff was (mostly) lifted off my shoulders, it came much more naturally to just… be nice. And happy. It’s peaceful.
The dating will come, if you want it to. This was a right-place right-time sorta thing with a great friend who was a perfect match. I was frankly apprehensive about getting right into a relationship with a lot of potential to be a serious thing, and even more worried about the perception (or reality) of a “rebound” relationship, but I already knew he was pretty special and didn’t want to shoot myself in the foot over what-ifs. He’s been patient and supportive and long-suffering through the whole roller-coaster process. I don’t think I’d be dating just yet if this particular person weren’t in the picture, but I’m sure glad he is.
Luckily I don’t have any kids. Wife was always too selfish to want to take care of any “kids”. I had a dog.. he was the closest I had. He ended up with a degenerative spinal disease.. I vowed to myself to take care of him. Now he’s gone.. so I’m free. I’m almost out of debt.. got about 3 grand to go, then I’ll buy a house and move out. It’s my choice to leave, so I won’t bother trying to sell this place and split the profits etc.. Who cares.. it’s only money.
I’ll remain jaded and cynical though.. maybe it’s a defense mechanism.. maybe I’m just tired of all the bullshit. Who knows.
I’ll remain a bitch by choice..
I guess the important thing is to take care of what is important to us… and not project our ideals onto others. Looking back.. that’s where I went wrong.. thinking everybody else was just like me. Caring.. considerate.. empathetic.. altruistic.. whatever.. But nope.. in reality, the “others” in my life were just users.
So sorry! Been there, done that.
Glad you’re still blogging. It was you, Brigid, Tam and Breda who got me blogging.
(my blogmothers!)
Remeber, you have friends with ears out here, just in case you need one.
gfa
Thank you for always checking in, friend. And back onto the being-rebuilt blogroll you go!
Thanks!
and if I could type, I would have said remember!
Sorry to hear about the “bumps in the road” of life. Unfortunately that’s the way life is. I’ve been through the same experience (years ago) and based on reading your blog, you’ll do fine. Best of luck to you and the girl child. And “The Inconvenience” as well.
bobk