I wrote this earlier and was encouraged to post it here. Oh well, I’m not running for POTUS anyway.
Warning: Language and irreverence ahead. (Seriously, Grandma, I live with a Marine!)
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GURA: Scalia! An argument for incorporating under privileges and immunities, YOU CAN HAS!
SCALIA: WTF are you talking about? We can incorporate it under due process. I hate due process and I even think that.
GURA: Uhhh
SCALIA: Are you trying to get a job at a law school?
GURA: Oh shit
SCALIA: SERIOUSLY STFU IF WE USE PRIVILEGES AND IMMUNITIES THESE FUCKOS WILL LEGITIMIZE EVERYTHING STFU STFU STFU
GURA: But you hate due process
SCALIA: I LIKE IT NOW
GURA: Uhhh
GINSBURG: I’m a bitch!
SCALIA: LULZ
STEVENS: I’m a bitch!
CLEMENT: This should obviously be incorporated under due process.
ALITO: Werd
BREYER: *motorboats Sotomayor*
FELDMAN: Here’s my first argument.
SCALIA: That argument sucks.
FELDMAN: Ordered liberty?
SCALIA: We haven’t used that since 1937.
FELDMAN: Have too.
SCALIA: When?
FELDMAN: Uh, here’s my second argument.
SCALIA: You just argued against your first argument.
FELDMAN: Did not.
SCALIA: Did so.
FELDMAN: DID NOT!
SCALIA: …
FELDMAN: *cries*
SCALIA: …
ROBERTS: You just argued the losing Heller argument.
FELDMAN: *pees pants*
BREYER: Let’s make a chart.
ROBERTS: Madison made a chart!
BREYER: STFU
THOMAS: *reads the Bible*
SCALIA: The 2A puts the fun in fundamental.
FELDMAN: Let me tell you what Heller says.
SCALIA: I wrote Heller, fucknuts.
KENNEDY: So if we’re going to just incorporate the militia purpose of Heller, what case do we use for precedent?
FELDMAN: No fucking idea.
SCALIA: Why are you talking about the right to self-defense? That’s not in the Constitution.
FELDMAN: See above. Besides, nobody would really restrict the right to keep and bear arms so that it affected self-defense.
SCALIA: Have you even read Heller?
FELDMAN: I don’t think so.
KENNEDY: Gura, let’s use your last three minutes to talk about everything but the 2A.
ROBERTS: I’m going to give you the chance to take back that privileges and immunities thing.
GURA: No, we think it’s a good idea!
ROBERTS: *sigh*
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P.S. I want to give a shout-out to Gura, who I didn’t really give proper credit in the summary. I do think he did a good job, I just think he was a little taken aback by Scalia coming out swinging on privileges/immunities – as was I.
To be perfectly honest, I lost a little bit of Scalia love today. I can’t get behind the idea that, if something’s bad, just because it’s been bad for 140 years we should perpetuate it.
EDIT: Um, er, yeah… one of the hits I got on this is from a forum poster who apparently knows Justice Scalia and promised to forward it. 0_0 The good news is they think he’ll get a kick out of it. I feel obligated to point out, just in case, that I’m married to a 1L who happens to be a HUGE Scalia fan and would gladly take a shoe-shining or trash-emptying internship.
Just in case.
EDIT: mcouey over on Arfcom took this and ran with it… Here’s the result, which had me rolling:
